More about the whole pants area

Dear N'3lvra,

One day recently, while I was minding my own business in my office cubicle, surfing the web looking for photos of Sarah Palin wearing a particularly goofy facial expressions, a pair of cat-pee-infused leather pants arrived in the mail.

My first thought was to mail them back to the sender, but there was no return address. Then I thought of throwing them away, but I decided that might be bad luck. Then I toyed with the idea of giving them to Goodwill, but I decided the Goodwill people have more important things to do than trying to clean cat-pee-infused leather pants. Then I seized on the idea of anonymously mailing them to a friend, but I’m sure he would quickly figure out where cat-pee-infused leather pants came from.

Should I try to get them professionally cleaned? Use them as the centerpiece of a shrine to cats? Keep them in the car (with the windows open) to ward off evil spirits? Send them to Glenn Beck?

Sincerely,
Miserable in Maine

Dear Miserable,

Alas, you do have a reason to be miserable, but its not what you think.  Today, for the first day in a long long while, we have more daylight than you.  Not to get all boastful or anything, but your daylight today will be twelve hours, 2 minutes, while ours will be 12 hours, 3 minutes.  This trend will continue until solstice, when our day will be a whole 28 minutes longer than yours.  So yes, the misery torch has been officially passed to you.

But Maine has such a nice slogan, "where America's day begins".  You don't think it's that great?  Try this one:  "Say WA?".  That's just embarrassing.  Basically confirming that with our extra minute of daylight, we're standing around going, "Huh?  Say wha?"  Yup, we're a sophisticated lot here.

The pants, on the other hand, are actually a good thing.  Keep them on hand in a sealed plastic bag, and break them out anytime you need to get out of a situation.  Lingering guests?  Break out the pants.  Don't like where you sit at work?  Pants to the rescue.  Release those things and you'll be moved in a jiffy.  Nothing to write about on your fine blog? The pants provide endless material.    And, if it comes down to it, start wearing them and people will actually pay you to not come to work.

Thanks for writing.  Responding to a letter beats what else she has me do around here.

~N'3lvra (three is still silent)