Mars is finally out of retrograde

Aries (3/21 – 4/19):  You hire someone to replace all your windows, and it's supposed to take one day, which seems amazing, but you assume  they know what they’re doing.  But when they show up, something seems really off; it seems more like your girlfriends with no carpentry skills whatsoever came over and started randomly breaking windows and not installing the new ones in any predictable order.  Yeah, those guys are with the DEA.  I think they're watching that neighbor guy.  I don't think it's normal to drive a horse trailer.  I really don't.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20):  Did you hear about that vampire who was taken into custody the other day because he said he needed breakfast and what he eats is human blood?  I hate that.  Speaking of which, the PS Blood Center has called me, and I am not exaggerating, 36 times this month, but no one is taking those guys into custody.   Oh, wait, this is your horoscope, forgive me, I ramble.  (There was no metaphor in that vampire thing, that was just a stray shiny idea that caught my attention for a second.)  But how about this, which I stole from a talent show I attended last night:  "In my triangle, you're the hypotenuse."  Yeah, think about that for a while, and get back to me when you figure it out.  At the very least, it will take your mind off your other problems.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/21): Did you read about Death Bear, the man who wears a 7-foot tall psychedelic bear costume and visits people who have recently been dumped?  He carries a black satchel to collect memorabilia with unpleasant memories.  I think this would be an interesting job for you!  Think of all the stories you'd end up with, not to mention picture frames and personally engraved iPods. We could make you a costume.  (How much would you charge to paint other cool stuff over the fish in my bathroom, btw?  We're tired of those fish.)

Cancer (6/22 – 7/21): The other famous Cancer, Carly Simon, gave out a clue recently, did you hear about that?  David [Geffen?], that's who was so vain. Were people still wondering?  As much as I like Carly, it seem kind of sad, like, "Hey guys!  Guys!  Look over here, I've still got that secret!  Guys, seriously, I'm gonna tell!"  I'm sorry, Carly, but doing the, "play this track backwards and listen really hard and then try to guess which David" thing is just hokey.  Some mysteries endure:  I do wonder what happened to Anastasia.  But we've all run into so many vain people by now that the curiosity is ultra-diluted.  My point being, my dear Cancers, is just tell your secrets along the way.  This week.  And if you have any good ones, come over now.  Bring pie, if you have any.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22):  Keep up your roll of doing little projects.  Make a list of what you need to get done, and stop checking the internet so much; nothing's really happening out there.  If anxiety causes you to want to clean, please come here while you're still feeling anxious.  (Bring pie, if you can.)

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22):With Mars out of retrograde (finally!) it's time to leap before you look.  The universe says go for it. 

Libra (9/23 – 10/22):  Uh oh.  Now Venus is in retrograde, which isn't so great.  But then again, doesn't the whole retrograde thing sound flat-earth-ish?  Just because that planet appears to be moving backward when it isn't, things are supposed to go badly?  The fact that you happened to be born on a train that was going faster than a nearby train has nothing to do with your awkwardness.  You seriously cannot blame a slower planet for that.  (Notice how I didn't call it a retarded planet?  Or I would have to apologize to Trig.)

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21):  You're almost done! (Insert homestretch soundtrack here).  And your tax refund will be along soon.  (Did it seem sketchy how the numbers were fluctuating so wildly on TurboTax?  I know.  But I'm glad it finally landed on the 3 cherries; it looked for a minute like it would stop before that.)

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21):  I know it's hard to sleep, what with the new Pokemon game coming out today and all.  I am excited that men dressed as Pikachu and snorlax will be fighting in a Redmond parking lot this morning; I'm just trying not to show it.  Study for math already. Nag nag nag.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): Did you have that dream last night where there were wires hanging out of the wall, and just when you were about to hook them up, you panicked and woke up?  And then you started wondering if that was a metaphor for something, and then realized, duh, of course.  Oh, that wasn't you?  Well, anyway, hook up the wires.  What could go wrong?

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18):  Did you see our boss on the Internet?  Yep, that's him. Look on YouTube for videos of the Norwegian Ladies Choir.  Tall guy in the sweater, watching?  He claims there are also videos of him doing shots of aquavit with those people, but I have my doubts.  Unfortunately, it's not an idle doubt; I've watched every available video of the fishcake and meatball dinner fundraiser, seeking that very footage.  I know.  Don't try this at home.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20):  Pi day!  Make one, will ya?  Sure, I could come over when it's done, I thought you'd never ask.  Yes, apple is fine.