Aries (3/21 – 4/19): I know. You hate this time of year, and end up feeling disappointed. Take a walk or light a candle. Maybe you have more control than you think.
Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): Does it bug you that your sign is named after a car that people make fun of? I would have at least named this sign “Sable.” But those animal rights people would be all over it. Your forecast this week includes watching Broken Flowers, which hopefully will make you laugh aloud. After the last few months, that’s just what you need.
Gemini (5/21 – 6/21): Oh, the sweet little twins. It is such a tender, shaky time of year, just succumb, don’t judge yourself for it. Carry Kleenex, alas, I’m sad to say you’ll need it. But each week will get easier.
Cancer 6/22 – 7/21: You don’t need to worry so much. Use your wonderful imagination for good, rather than thinking up weird, bad possibilities. This week, round up. Drop a few significant digits, no one is watching. (I know, it makes you cringe to even read that. You see what I mean?) The planet will keep spinning; you can stop pedaling for a while.
Leo (7/23 – 8/22): Focus on romance for you and those around you. It’s good for business, and good for the world. Make these if you get a minute. It looks like you should have your family over for appetizers this week. Really festive appetizers.
Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): Have you seen the movie, Lars and the Real Girl? You would like it. Sheesh, don’t take everything so personally, it’s just a horoscope. Pack for yourself for a change. Your lovely Saggitarius has enough on her plate.
Libra (9/23 – 10/22): Get out ice skating more, but be careful as it warms up. Did you know that there are actual sites on the internets where you can star in your own vampire novel? Weird? Yes, I think so. Don’t do that.
Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): I see dinner with your mother in your future. Look forward to it with great anticipation, because it is sure to be festive and fun. The geminid meteor shower peaks tonight; escape from the city to view.
Saggitarius (11/22 – 12/21): Is that an intruder or a large rodent lumbering around upstairs? Is that a metaphor, or an actual question? If it’s a metaphor, um, what does it mean? And if it’s an intruder, what should I do? Oh, right, I’m supposed to give you the horoscope. I see dinner with your mother in your future too! Weird, sometimes the veil between the signs is a little blurry, and one prediction will cover many galaxii. It is during these weird astronomical times that you are most vulnerable to becoming boring, so guard against that with all your might. I know, that’s a sobering thought.
Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): Congratulations, you’ve gotten through this much of the year. Stand back for a minute, and appreciate all you’ve done. Just don’t make the rest of us hear about it all the time. With the moon in the 10th house, its time to save money, and also make sure your zombie apocalypse team is solid. Check in with those people.
Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): You share a sign with Sarah Palin, but there are some upsides. It bodes well for your writing career, and possibly there will be an up-do in your future. Let the music keep your spirits high. Oh, you haven’t updated your iPod since 1973? Get on that!
Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): Nap a lot. Call in sick if you must, but just be good to yourself. And keep doing those background checks. If his favorite band is A Place to Bury Strangers, don’t let him move in right away. Don’t let the others be so hard on you. Flip more people off if it feels right.
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