The week ahead, ish.
Okay, I got a comment about last weeks’ horoscopes from one of my faithful readers that I would ever so hate to disappoint. The comment was that there was too much focus on the waxing gibbous. Um, okay, but this information comes from the stars, so if you don’t want mention of the sky, you should probably read something else. And speaking of the moon, we sure did see a lot of it last week, and it was especially lurky, don’t you think? Which is the one good thing of how we’re all stumbling around in the dark this time of year. And not to distract too much from the timely predictions that follow, but I’d like to say that my pathetic solar lights twinkle very, very dimly for about 20 minutes each evening before they exhaust the tiny bit of charge they get from their placebo solar panels. It is a very subtle, tasteful display that I will try to capture on film. And now, the predictions:
Aries (3/21 – 4/19): You should help me with these horoscopes. Oh wait, it’s astronomy you’re interested in. It’s always science science science with you people. This week, focus on scenery for once. Take that eye protection off and look around for a minute. You’ll be amazed.
Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): Wake up! Oh, you are awake? Sometimes procrastination is solved by creating a little passion for the task. Try taking a look at Jupiter, which is a hundred times brighter than Capricorn this week, and see if you can summon a little enthusiasm.
Gemini (5/21 – 6/21): Seriously, a tattoo? That just smacks of mid-life crisis. I think you’d look better in a red car, personally. Don’t you need some advice? Or don’t you know someone who does? Don’t forget about Cortnee, email@example.com, who, as you may know, is a Gemini too.
Cancer 6/22 – 7/21: Does it bother you to have an astrological sign that they named a life-threatening virus? That doesn’t seem fair. Who would do that? The other signs aren’t named “flu epidemic” or “pestilance”. But they also named the tropics after you, so plan a trip there. If I were the boss of the astrology, instead of just a medium (is that what it's called?), I would definitely give your sign a beautiful name, like Emily.
Leo (7/23 – 8/22): I know! It is ridiculous, what you must do each week. Make those talented siblings cook for you. The moon is teaming up with Mars and Regulus, so watch out. (Yes, Regulus is an actual thing in the sky, not a real star, but more of a spectroscopic binary.)
Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): We all have that thing of, “oh, wait, did I say that out loud?” Don’t worry, it’s not just you, don’t feel bad. (Well, everyone except for those Taurii, who don’t say much of anything.) Keep saying what you say, everyone wants to hear it.
Libra (9/23 – 10/22): With more than a hundred galaxies out there, odds are, you’ll find your people. As always, this is a good week to learn semaphore code. And fix the damn heat already.
Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): Must I say this every week? Drive carefully! (How many cupholders does one person need?) Hang on, days will be getting longer again. Call right away if the abyss gets any closer.
Saggitarius (11/22 – 12/21): Of course these are real horoscopes. Sheesh. Would someone clean the blood off the keyboard, by the way? (This is not an idle request. It can’t possibly be good for us, either psychically or astrologically. Not to mention it’s just gross.). It is crowded out there. Get stuff delivered, stay in. With the waning moon, it will be even darker than usual. Make something yummy.
Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): Don’t feel jealous of Jupiter, even though it’s so dominant this week. Make a nice plate of cookies and take it over there. (Drop some by here, if you have extras, especially if you make those round buttery ones rolled in confectioner’s sugar.) Oh, and your week is looking good! I see something up ahead, I can’t quite make out the details, but it’s good.
Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): You should definitely bring lunch for your favorite astrologer one day this week, it is written in the stars. Spica is a few degrees left of the moon, which, well, that's where you live too, right? At any rate, it bodes well for your next date.
Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): This might be the hardest week of your life, but each week following will get a tiny bit easier. Focus on the exhale. And that zit on your nose, that’s the least of your worries.