What the Stars Are Saying About Your Week, A Monday Feature

Aries (3/21 – 4/19): I know! I didn’t think it would be this bad either. But you’ve got that cute puppy, and for now, a job, so enjoy it. Plan another trip or something. This week isn’t looking so great.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): Oh, dear little Taurus people. Mind if I call you Tory? Too familiar? Okay, forget it, but remember, I can see into the future, and let’s just say you probably won’t need sunglasses today or tomorrow. But anyways, I don’t worry much about you; you tend to take pretty good care of yourself.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/21): I think running is the best thing that’s going to happen in the next few days, so keep it up. You’ll at least feel like a legend in your own mind because you got out there.

Cancer 6/22 – 7/21: Don’t make it so damn hard. Just go with things, enjoy what you can and quit feeling so guilty and inadequate. It is completely unbecoming. And I mean that in the fondest way possible. Oh, and the stars suggest you should make soup.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22): A good week ahead, for sure. Keep making beautiful things. It seems like no one notices, but that just isn’t so. We’re all about the beauty here. (Does that sound shallow, rather than astrological? Oops.)

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): I know, it’s a terrible cliché, but spend some time with those babies before it’s too late, eh? Stop worrying about your receding hair, and do something that makes you laugh. Or makes us laugh, at least.

Libra (9/23 – 10/22): God, you’re sophisticated. You offer so much balance in this tippy little world. But if it does tip a little, don’t feel bad, it’s not always your fault.

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): Okay, my freaky loved ones, keep it up. Whatever you’re doing works. You, my friends, are not controlled by the stars. You’re more like Harold and the Purple Crayon: you imagined the stars, and brought them into being. Use your power wisely. Imagine good things for the rest of us.


Saggitarius (11/22 – 12/21): We all think you're hilarious! Don’t worry so much. Just show up once in a while, knife and fork in hand, ready to eat. (That was an astrological metaphor, fyi.) Oh, and don’t forget to floss. (Oh, and that was not a metaphor.)

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): Oh, the rugged little Capricorn people. Lighten up. There’s more to life than work. Oh, wait, I’ve got that wrong, it is all about work. This week, anyway. Just doggedly muddle through it, because it won’t always be this way. (Did you like the use of the word, “doggedly?”)


Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): If your personal growth were wearing pants, they’d be too short by the end of the week, so hang on, focus, and pay attention to the random possibilities out there.


Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): The mysterious fishy people have a productive week ahead. You’ll get a lot done, but it will leave you strangely unsatisfied, as if maybe you got a lot of the wrong things done. Do more star gazing and less laundry, is all I'm saying.