Do I have this straight?

If you've been too busy having an actual life, or perhaps riding out the dog days of summer like this pretty girl, let me recap what's happened in the past few days.

Trump got hit by a speeding bullet and wore half a kotex on his ear for a few days in public, and lots of his supporters, who tend to call liberal people “sheeple” for being blind followers, also wore white pads on their ear. The ear is apparently all healed up now, nary a scratch. The shooter was a young republican NRA member. We haven’t seen as many AK-47 lapel pins since the shooting, but truth be told, the giant white pads may draw your eye away from the lapel area and towards the ear. 

 Trump picked JD Vance as his running mate, who, a few years ago described himself as a never trump guy and called Trump, “America’s Hitler”, an idiot, etc, but is now his biggest fan. Rumors (untrue) abound that Vance has had a fling with a couch. The pictures of the crowds wearing maxi pads on their ear have been replaced by photos of Vance oogling a couch.  New slogan emerges, "Couches for Kamala."

 Republicans have been trash-talking Biden for being too old to be president for months. Biden decided to let his younger, capable running mate be the candidate instead of him, in a supreme act of selflessness and patriotism, and Republicans are now threatening to sue to keep him on the ballot. They wasted money on signs that say, “Let’s go Brandon”, which apparently is a slur and means you’re voting for trump, but let’s be honest, it’s not super clear. We’re not sure where Brandon is supposed to go or why, per the signs. I’m not a real political analyst, but if I were, I’d suggest that they put the candidate’s name on the signs. A guy who spent $10,000 on Let’s Go Brandon signs is also suing Biden. Perhaps he can find a candidate named Brandon? 

 Trump announced that Elon Musk, who owns a social media site that everyone continues to call “twitter” will be donating $45 million a month, and because of this, Trump’s plan as president is to help Elon, one of the wealthiest people on the planet. We’re not sure why he needs help, although maybe because Elon makes his money on electric cars, which trump is opposed to? Something about sharks and electricity and wind killing the birds, maybe a spot of Hannibal Lecter tossed in there. Elon says he’s not really giving that much money.  We're not sure if there's lying, backpedalling, or both in this situation.

 The attacks on Kamala Harris have begun in earnest. They attack her intelligence, her laugh, the fact that she never bore children (although her husband’s ex-wife issued a statement today saying that Kamala has been a parent of her children.) Apparently, if a woman runs for president, the birth canal must be involved? (This does not apply to men.) Some republicans are claiming that Kamala is “not really black” (because as we know, being black is an advantage in this country; lots of black presidents!). They’ve also been claiming she’s not really a citizen (although she was born in the USA) in a sorry rerun of the birther business from the Obama years.