Horoscopes: The boycott edition.

Aries (3/21 - 4/19):  In case you've been hiding under your bed with your hands over your ears, I peeked out for a minute, and here's what's going on: an immigrant from South Africa, who became the richest man in the world by selling electric cars, is running the government.  He donated buckets of money to a guy who's opposed to both electric cars immigrants, making people wonder if the new unelected pres is indeed very smart, or if he's just rich.  He and his child with a runny nose, strangely named after the failing social media site, seem to be running the country now.  MAKE NAMING CHILDREN AFTER CONSONANTS ILLEGAL AGAIN!  Stay tuned, Aries.  We will not comply. 

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20):  When 2025 started, I thought, hey, I'll write little horoscopes every week.  I'll pick a few current events, and work them into horoscopes -- news, ultra-light.  A little levity amongst the madness.  But now there's so much going on that I'm like, wait, what are the top things? There's a dude named Big Balls ransacking the IRS! Oh wait,  200,000 federal employees got laid off.  Look, the tariffs are back.  Uh oh! Measles, coming right at you! DUCK, it's bird flu!  Taurus, stay focused on what you can offer to the world and bring it.  This is a full on resistance potluck, bring your best dish.

Gemini (5/21 - 6/21):  We barely remember that like, a few minutes ago, Los Angeles was on fire.  Imagine that.  We've been so busy!

Cancer (6/22 – 7/21):  I was on a wildlife safari a minute ago (we call everything "a minute" now.  As in, a minute ago it was Halloween, and the scariest thing was witches and ghosts; now, a minute later, democracy is circling the drain!) Back to the point:  I was sitting outside with a Manhattan, which is exactly like a safari without all of the big game and mosquitoes.  Anyway, I was gazing (in a decidedly non-creepy way) towards the windows of the skyscraper tower across the way, and thought I saw the northern lights! How can this be?!! The northern lights, visible right here in a major city!  Alas, after watching for a while I realized it was merely the glow of a big screen tv. The same little flickering greenish light coulda been this, coulda been that.  Turns out it was that, not this, but still.  We had a little moment, that green light and I.  When you see something, imagine a a bit of good.  We need that, Cancer.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22):  Is it time to establish local currency? Here's how it works. First, you need a good name for the currency. How about Duvall Dollahs or Fool's Gold? Fort Knocks? Ok, we'll keep thinking. Anyway, there's an issuing point. Sure, I'll be it if anyone asks. You go to the issuing point, exchange your US dollars for these local dollars. You take those bucks and spend them in a local business. That business can give them out in change, pay local vendors for purchases, give a portion of employees pay in the local currency, etc. When someone needs to purchase something outside of the local economy, they take the local dollars back to the issuing point, and trade them in. Guess who doesn't make any money on those transactions?  Right?  Let's give it a go, as we say around here.  

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): This just in: NOAH Weather has been replaced with the orange guy's sharpie.  No more inconvenient weather!  Phew! Luckily, there is no truth anymore! We can cross out stuff we don't like. Buy some whiteout and enjoy the new world, Virgo.  Chin up.  

Libra (9/23 – 10/22):  The H1 stuff is confusing, so here's the deal: one is the kind of visa that tech bros like (H1B), and one is the bird flu (H1N1).  H1B runs the country and fires people; H1N1 kills half the people who get it.  Is this a horoscope, you ask? Sort of?  I don't now what I'm doing here.  I have no knowledge of the actual star forecast.

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): It looks like we can buy sovereign countries now, so I've been browsing,  shopping for a country that I can have for my very own.  I'm looking for a small territory that can be delivered directly to my home without outrageous shipping charges (on a day when we're not boycotting everything).  I've ruled out the Vatican (too catholic), Monaco (too much concrete), Tuvalu (too vulnerable to sea level rise).  I'm leaning towards San Marino.  What do you think?  Scorpio, would you like to go in on it with me?  Oh wait! That's not a thing! We can't just buy other countries!  Scorpio, enjoy all of the things that money can't buy, and let's not take over other kingdoms. Pinky promise!
  

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): Speaking of theft... I've been waiting for someone to steal my identity, but nobody wants it.  But just in case, here's how it goes:  You'll spend a lot of your time crashing around in the thick PNW forest underbrush, tying plastic to vegetation.  You'll devote more than a little time encouraging the townspeople to dress as vegetables.  You'll have to live in this very messy house or clean it yourself.  You'll have to draw insects on cardboard and knit little tiny vegetables -- carrots and beets and the like -- and finish a bazillion half-started projects.  Sag, embrace your identity this week and beyond.  Don't let anyone steal it even if it's messy and weird.  

Capricorn (12/22 - 1/19): There are a handful of things I'll never tire of, like stories of twins separated at birth, DB Cooper, people who stage their own disappearance (ala, "Honey, I'm just going out for a pack of cigarettes..." and two years later, their spouse recalls that they didn't even smoke), interesting fossil finds, and mysterious sightings (sasquatch, ghosts, northern lights, the first bean plant to come up in the cold spring garden).  But one thing I am terrified of is space travel.  Why anyone wants to leave this beautiful little planet and go Out There is beyond me.  But for those who aren't afraid, well, maybe they should just go!  

Aquarius (1/20-2/18):  Well, we suffered through the Hegseth hearing, and watched him being rude and dismissive to the representatives.  I don't really know much about what's required for jobs other than mine, where I crawl around by myself in the woods, but if I were in charge of anything, I'd say the head of national defense should have excellent de-escalation skills, and be super respectful.  Aquarius, let's all do that.  The de-escalation, the super respectful.  Oh, and your horoscope? That was it.  De-escelate where you can.  

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): In case it's confusing, when someone invades your country with an army, starts killing your people in order to claim your land, it's not a 'both sides' thing.  Sadly, Pisces, the current administration has sided with the aggressor -- we are now officially part of the axis of evil.  Sometimes it's okay to take a break from it all and look at videos of the baby tapir at Point Defiance Zoo, or that guy who has a pet camel that sleeps next to his bed.  Also, what I've started doing is really focusing on the dogs when I take a walk.  They're trotting along, smiling, tails high.  Let's give it a go, Pisces.  Head high, bring your best game.