Friday, September 20, 2013

Horoscopes: The Bucket List Edition

Aries (3/21 – 4/19):  I saw two slugs this morning on a sidewalk, and their heads were lifted up.  Right?  Did you even know slugs are creatures with a head to lift up?  Or do you think of them as more like slimy, body-less tongues without taste buds?  Me too!  Do the slugs you know normally hang out in cobra pose?  No, I didn't think so, Aries.  But the front part of their little slippery bodies was up off the pavement, antennas pointed toward the vast above. I stopped to watch for way too long (which equals seven minutes), and then poked one of them, and he/she returned to the lowly slug posture that I'm more accustomed to.  I felt sorry for that.  Do slugs have dreams, Aries?  Find some dreams of your own this week.  Look up.  Don't let anyone poke you with a stick, but if they do, rise up again.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20):  The other day, I was at the gas station and R. pointed out a man sprinkling ashes from a bucket, in a tiny funeral-ish ceremony of one.  Well, two if you count the guy in the bucket.  He walked to the liquor store, applied ashes to the door mat, wandered over to the car vac (25 cents for four minutes!  Deal!), sprinkled a few there, poured some next to the air-in-the-tires machine, and then wondered off down the road, dropping ashes as he went, giving new meaning to the concept of a bucket list.  It's not so terrible to have the welcome mat of a liquor store be your final resting place, Taurus, but it's not your time yet.  This week, imagine yourself as ashes, getting tracked around on everyone's shoes.  Oh, the places you'll go!

Gemini (5/21 – 6/21): Is it too early to go to bed?  I spend much of my life with that question on my mind.  The dark times are here for sure, Gemini.  In the dark times, we paint and read and do math and look for mushrooms and sing and play cards.  Oh wait, we don't play cards.  But we could, Gemini.  We totally could.  This week, practice our circle time songs, and add some to the list.  Sing if you can.

Cancer (6/22 – 7/21):  Speaking of slugs, I saw a slug near the [former] gum wall a few weeks ago, on pavement, several hundred feet away from any vegetation.  What was he doing there, Cancer?  A sorry pilgrimage to the gum wall, only to discover it was gone?  Maybe the wall was in full swing when he left the nearest garden a thousand feet away?  Or did it come out of that weird drain in the alley?  Is this another sign of end times?  Speaking of which, did you hear about the pigeons coming?  So many questions, Cancer.  No answers at all.  Get used to living with the unknown this week.
Tumeric tea, toasted oatmeal with
miso and chanterelles

Leo (7/23 – 8/22):  Do you think the opposable thumb is a fair trade for being aware of our mortality?  Do you think the Neanderthals were in love with the Homo sapiens they interbred with, or was it just a booty call thing?  Do you think that it's strange that pears haven't gotten more popular?  I mean, if that twerking video can go viral, why not pears?  Don't think about that stuff, Leo.  Think about easy things, like what's for dinner, what to wear, and how you want to treat your loved ones.  That's what I had for dinner last night, in case you were wondering.  Of course you were.  It was such a pretty color I could hardly stand it.  Your week, in fact, will be so pretty you won't know what to do with yourself.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22):   I've been having this go around with someone at my booty call job that goes like this:
Me:  Can you please show the grading that you'll do to build your house?  
Him:  There will be no grading.
Me:   I notice that there's 12 feet of elevation change under the house.  How will you deal with that?  
Him:  We won't be doing any grading.
Me:  Hmm, so will your house be sloped?
Him:  No.
Me:  Will you have tall footings on part of the foundation?
Him:  No
Me:  I'm not super spatial, but that doesn't quite add up.
Him:  Well, if I tell you my actual plans, you won't approve the permit.  So I'm not telling.

Right?  People say that out loud?  Like saying, "If I told you the truth, you'd think I was a jerk."  Anyway, tell the truth at all costs this week, Virgo.  And better yet, live so the truth is something you're okay with. 

Libra (9/23 – 10/22):   I have accrued 21 badges and 107,579 energy points from my math work at the Khan Academy.  I am aware of how that sounds.  "I have 12 cats, and 21 badges that I earned by spending a lot of time home alone doing math on the internet, and have you heard about what went down in Roswell?"  It doesn't sound good, and it may be another sign of end times.  For me or the world, it's a little unclear.  But Libra, enjoy the end times, if that's what it is.  Crickets in Carnation, pigeons in Duvall, slugs rising up.  Chin up.
Bridge S. of Duvall, 1932, Thomas Blum

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21):  I spent a lovely afternoon at the KC Archives, looking at old bridge photographs, which, it turns out, is one of my new favorite things.  I'm not sure why that is.  They frisk me to make sure I have no pens, and the lady is super fussy in a way that causes her to button her very top blouse button, and then they leave me alone in this room with old books and maps where I stay for hours.  I'd recommend it, Scorpio.  

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): E-bro was taking my blood pressure at work the other day (in exchange for the mental health counselling that I offer free of charge), when I had this brilliant idea.  "E-bro, we can load up this cart with supplies, and go around the office, offering comfort.  We could do blood pressure screenings, serve cocktails, and bandage wounds (emotional and physical), and we could wear scrubs!"  The idea didn't really take, but I still think there's a niche for that.  A travelling comfort cart.  Who's in?

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19):  Sometimes when people say "Chin up!" its annoying and sounds condescending, like they don't really get it at all.  But sometimes it sounds super sweet, as if they were saying the whole thing out:   "I know.  I know how hard it is, I know you don't even have bootstraps, let alone the wherewithal to pull anything up at all.  I get that, and I don't judge you for it, but still, let's assume it will all get better.  Start with the chin, just shift it a tiny bit skyward if you can, because even the slugs are doing it."  Hear that or say it this week, Capricorn.  
Another to do list poem

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18)
I'm all for paying the tolls on the bridge, truly.  I believe drivers should pay for the services we use, and paving a lake is a pretty costly endeavor.  But really, could they make the payment system even a tiny bit easier to navigate?  If your account has in a negative balance, you can't replenish it online.  RIght?  It must be done during business hours, on the phone.  I call, and ask why I can't do this online.  "Because your account has a negative balance."  I get that.  But why can't I pay off my balance and replenish my account online?  "Because your account has a negative balance."  Moving right along... If you ask them (on the phone, of course) to pay off the negative balance and add $30 to the account, they do lots of clicking for 15 minutes and then say, "Ok!  You're good to go!  Your account has a balance of $26."  
"Wait, why not $30?" 
 "Because your account had a negative balance."  
"So, is there a $4 fee in addition to the other fees?" 
"Ok, not to be dense, but when I asked you to pay off anything owed, and then add $30 to the account, why is my balance only $26?"
"Because you had a negative balance." 
And so on.  
I know, I shouldn't drive across the bridge anyway.  Aquarius, the take home here is try not to get a negative balance in your karma or your good to go pass.  Replenish!

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20):  It looks like we won't be going to war with Syria, which is good.  I feel like I don't get it, the whole thing.  "We're so mad about you killing people that we're going to go kill people to show you!"  Right?  Am I missing something?  Things always look simple to me, maybe it's a capacity thing.  If you want peace, don't freakin' drop bombs. Seek peace this week, Pisces.  In all the ways.


  1. So have you heard this joke?
    A guy hears someone knocking at the door. He answers it, only to find a snail on his doormat. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can into the bushes.
    Two months later, he hears a knock at the door. He opens it, only to find the same snail on the doormat.
    "What the fuck?!" asks the snail.

    Or something like that. I'm not too good at jokes and yet, I yearn to be a stand-up comedian. Could you check the tea leaves for that?

    Love...Ms. Moon

  2. That's funny, Ms. Moon! The poor snail....

  3. Both slugs in my path would get a poke.

    1. Oh, be careful! They mght be in the middle of an important ritual!

  4. Maybe someone confused equinoxal egg balancing with slug balancing. May your pathway be filled with upright invertebrates, preferably of the non-managerial variety.

    1. Oh, that's a definite possibility! The egg/slug solstice confusion. Thank you for your kind wishes. Back at you!

  5. hmmm. pigeons. math. i like the other options better. just bring the salt woman.

    1. I will bring the salt,my friend. Just calm down about the math. You'll love it! Picture riding the apocalypse out, solving for x!

  6. It's like twelve posts, all in one. I never know what post to comment on because they are all comment-worthy.

    I'm thinking you could recommend the Khan Academy to that toll bridge account fixer upper. If that had been me, I think I would have needed the comfort cart to come take my blood pressure and give me some headache medicine.

    What does turmeric tea taste like? Isn't that what's used in mustard beans? I love mustard beans. Are you making mustard beans and you didn't tell us??!!!

  7. Tumeric tea tastes orange, I guess. It's kind of warm and rich and autumnal, if that's a flavor. It's supposed to be good for you in all the usual ways (antioxidant, anti-inflammatory, pretty to look at. You make a paste with tumeric and honey, and then just grab a dollop of that to make tea out of.

    I should totally be making mustard beans! Instead, I'm obsessed with chanterelles, and can't stop gathering even though I have plenty. But it's fun to have something of value to give a way, right?

    I hope you're having a lovely fall.

    1. Can you freeze chanterelles?

      I am having a pretty good fall (she said cautiously) - hope you are, too.

    2. Yes! Saute with some garlic, and then freeze for tossing into soup later. I just canned some too (I know.) Put them in a big pot, pour a bottle of wine and a little salt over everything, cook for 20 minutes, and put them in mason jars. We'll see if that's worth all the fuss...

  8. Do slugs have chins? Were they lifting up their chins? Or their whole upper body? I think they were waiting for the rapture. I mean, if you were spending your life as a slug, wouldn't you wanna get out of here? Or maybe they were communicating with extraterrestrials. In any case, we may see more aberrant slug behavior. it's a sign.

    1. That's a good question, about the chins. I don't hear people (I mean slugs) commenting, "yeah, he was really good looking. Nice chin!" Or maybe they just don't talk about it. Let me know if you see any unusual slug behavior. Me, I'm just taking cover.


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